Cherry Chapstick

Its been a while since I posted on here. Things are better! I have had a temp job with my aunts company, and while it only lasted a week the pay is fantastic. Seems like I will be having this job full time as well... Jolly good, eh?

However things in other departments are falling apart. Like I don't go out and get drunk too much, just a weekly night out was my thing. Not been doing that so much since the boyf came along, as it was hard to find a free night. And then on Thursday I went and made a bit of a fool of myself but the upshot of it is, he is paranoid I'm going to cheat on him. I guess its because every girl he's been out with has done that to him before, yet if he keeps talking about its like saying 'you see that huge red button flashing over there? Don't go and press it no matter how many times I point it out to you. Don't don't don't'. You want to just to prove that you fall into some premeditated log of hatred in his head.
I know I couldn't cheat. I just like to go out and get blokes looking at me to know that I still am attractive, its all about confidence and if he cant understand that then I have not got the problem. I love being able to look at a room full of people and think that there is no body here who I would rather be with more than him, and that when I go out its him I want to be dancing with....
Its so silly really to argue about something hypothetical and totally unrealistic.

And we have a thing about marzipan. And I always get excited about this as in Phillip Pullmans books there is a chapter about the taste of 'marchpane', that once you've tasted it you never forget, and that's what a first love is like. He is my marchpane, bitter sweet, complex and different to everything else that one would normally class as good.

I want to be more than I am, have more than I own and be a better person. Again I'm changing each day that I spend with him, and while I know this is me finally growing up a little bit, I long for the politely naive girl of three months ago to reappear.
Now I'm confidant, willing to try new things and boundaries that I resolutely said no to I know say yes. But I would much rather now smile and say no than do anything more.


This downhill path is easy, but there's no turning back.