My life: so far

Things have changed.

The only way I can describe the changes is that I have a boyfriend, and have lost alot of weight. I think the two things are linked somehow, due to a self starvation proccess which I had no choice but to undertake on the two week holiday in August. Those were possibly the best few days in my little life, sounds sad to say but thats me, isnt it?
I went to the Isle of Wight, shared a hut with two of my best friends, best mates brother and his friend. Im dating his friend now. Its weird, how these things come together, like you want to meet someone for so long that you one day stop looking or thinking how you might be happier if a person told you that they missed you everyday, that your beautiful. And I always thought that it would make my life complete and I wouldnt be the doubting depressing person that ive been since I was 14.
Well, he makes me happy, but other than being with him my life is actually falling apart. I have no money as I have no job. It is fucking impossible to find anything round my way, as I live in the back of beyound pretty much and the buses dont come this way, so I have to really on my dad still. And i cant get a car as I have no money to pay for it... you see its all a lovely, sad circle isnt it? I've had a few interviews, handed out many,many CV's. Been to the job center. Emailed agencies, nagged relatives about positions they might know of. But nothing, nothing nothing bloody nothing.

Truth is that I want to do something worthwhile and not just a little job 'to get my foot in the door', not just something to look like ive done something with my life on the dreaded cv. I do sod all everyday, get up late, go to bed late, walk the dog, read a book, cry at the nothingness which is my existance and search again for some more jobs. There is never any jobs.
I want to be succesful, I want to have money and above all I want to be happy. I need to feel like there is a purpose to my life rather than just nicking money off my parents and living on my boyfriends kindness. There has to be something more, and I wish everyday that someone in the vast world will hear my plight and have something for me. What, that might be I have no idea, but anything to take away this drudgery would be most welcome. Its not self induced, I dont actively want to live my life like this. But I have no idea where to start to build my future.

Like before the holiday I felt like this. Lathargic, apathetic, stupid and worthless. Then for 2 weeks I forgot who I was and it was like being reborn. No need to explain myself to anyone, I could create my identity day to day and not give a damn. The bags under my eyes went, the aches of my body gone. The day I got back I cried for hours. It began the very next morning, same house, nothing to do, no way to get out. In many respects Im not the same girl at all, Ive grown up alot in the past 6 weeks. But then I still feel like this now.

Oh its all so fucking sad. I dont know, I might get pissed tonight and everything will seem so much rosier....